Friday Field Notes: PINKY

Every week I teach approximately 160 kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, on tiny scraps of paper, then on Fridays I compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

Grade 1/2

One little dude is having trouble doing up the button on his snowpants.

Me: Dude! Stop eating cupcakes! Continue reading

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Friday Field Notes: Subtraction

Every week I teach approximately 160 kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, on tiny scraps of paper, then on Fridays I compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

Grade 1 or 2

Whenever I wear my glasses, the kids have to spend the first 5 minutes of music class talking about them. Due to a horrendous bout of pink eye, I had been wearing my glasses for a few weeks. When I switched back to contacts, the kids felt the need to discuss it.

E: Why aren’t you wearing glasses?
Me: I have contacts in. Continue reading

Friday Field Notes: Nipple Check

Every week I teach 161 different kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

Kindergarten

T: I give my mom CUTE EYES and she lets me do whatever I want.

(He’s REALLY good at cute eyes)

During Show & Share Continue reading

Friday Field Notes: Italians

Every week I teach 161 different kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

Me (during a drama lesson): Pretend we’re in a magical forest! Look all around you. What do you see?
A: Trees!
T: Elves! Continue reading

Friday Field Notes: VBS

We had the privilege of helping out with VBS at my church this past week. Over 200 kids showed up, and it was a ridiculous, fun nut house. So exhausting, but very worth it. Joseph and I both had groups of Kindergarten kids that we were in charge of. It was…interesting, to say the very least. These are some pretty incredible kids!

Mom Friend was telling a story about the Roman soldier who had a sick servant. She was giving them instructions that they had to follow like soldiers would (attention, halt, about face, march). The kids took turns giving the instructions.

Z: March! Halt! Abouty face!

Me: What do you know about God?
D: Ants!

Everyone: You can trust God!
D: NO YOU CAN’T (our good nature was running out by this point in the day!)

Me: Why aren’t you running and screaming?
D: My mom said I can’t scream.
Me: Oh, she probably means inside. But you’re at VBS and outside, and you’re allowed to scream here!
D: Oh! (takes off running and screaming)

Z (stroking Joseph’s beard): You need to shave!

Leader: We’re going to play another fun game!
Joseph’s kids: NOOOOOOO!

N to Joseph: Can you hold this bottle cap I found?
J: Suuuure (putting the Bud Light bottle cap in his pocket)

Me: Why aren’t you running?
D: I don’t know those guys!

E, midweek: Can I have a nap?

Z: I don’t like port-a-potties.

After the story station:

C (who is never quiet) to Joseph: Was I quiet?

Our groups were sitting near each other and drinking chocolate milk (Joseph’s group):
Joseph: I’m allergic to milk, too.
N: Yeah, I’m allergic to dairy.
Joseph: But that’s what milk is.
N: Oh.
C: I’m allergic to only white milk.
D (eating marshmallows in my group): I’m allergic to marshmallows.

There’s a horse on my street.

Teacher: So after they arrested Jesus, who did they take him to see?
Kid: THE BOSS.

Teacher, holding up a crown of thorns: What did they do with this?
(Silence)
Kid: THEY PUT IT ON HIS HEAD. (please reread using the Will Ferrell SNL voice immodulation skit voice)

One of Joseph’s little ones collided with another and suffered some minor injuries that were remedied with a freezie. Another boy had some things to say.

C: Can I have a freezie?
Joseph: No, you’d have to ask your mom or dad when they come pick you up.
C: Oh, on the way here, my mom said I could have one.
J: No, I mean, when you’re at home you have to ask for one at home.
C: No, my mom said I could have one at the church.

Z, taking Joseph’s nametag: I want to take this. I’m Joseph now.

D (singing on the way down the stairs): You can trust God, defindindeeeeee!

Friday Mish Mash

Normally I’d leave you with some Field Notes from my week, or some weird personality assessment. But this week, I’m a little low on notes (sometimes kids are just normal). Instead, I give you some Mish Mash (which does include a few Field Notes).

Mish Mash:

– I’ve got some exciting news to share, but I’m not leaking it quite yet. You’ll have to wait. I can tell you, however, that it involves TV Asylum.

– Yesterday was a pretty cloud day:

https://mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com/attachment/?ui=2&ik=9c283f5675&view=att&th=1373e1291081b242&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&zw&saduie=AG9B_P9KtQbRGsFGiG-x_yKQQkuW&sadet=1336776260719&sads=lktepVn0tyjb6ZdIj1MEzm7j-Vg
– Have you listened to The Courtesy Laugh podcast? It’s FUNNY. I may be a little biased, but these four are among my favourite internet people and some of the funniest guys I know. Give it a listen.

– It’s fertilizer season, which means our whole neighbourhood smells like poo. We’ve started calling it “banure” this year.

– Speaking of Mennonites, I haven’t forgotten about your questions. I’m taking so long with those posts because it’s turning into a bit of a research project for me. I’m learning as I write.

– Last week I had the pleasure of hearing a British ginger kid say “rumply bits”.

– Have you liked my Facebook page yet?

– I taught a Character Development/Improv workshop this week. It was great fun, and just reminds me of how much I’d love to teach improv to for a living. Is that a thing? It’s probably not a thing. Let me know if it’s a thing.

– You probably already know that I despise Comic Sans font. Today I came across by far the worst use of this wretched font I have ever seen:

https://mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com/attachment/?ui=2&ik=9c283f5675&view=att&th=1373e0e4e05c22bf&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&zw&saduie=AG9B_P9KtQbRGsFGiG-x_yKQQkuW&sadet=1336776041649&sads=hlpGjTHMgNRHo9UmbUURHlmsMEw&sadssc=1
– Please picture Luna Lovegood saying the following: “Miss B, TWO things. One, my pinkies are STRONG. And two, we have to use the phone clock because the regular clock is slow.”

– The Bachelorette starts on Monday. The reason that is exciting has nothing to do with the show, and everything to do with the recaps. If you watch it, or are forced to watch it, Knox’s Tuesday recaps will make it more than worth your while. TRUST ME.

– Today marks the end of Heinous Profile Picture Week. I do hope that you participated. If you missed out this year, you can jump on board next year (2nd week of May!). This was my best (worst?) of the week:

Thanks, community theater!

-My friend told me a story about a hipster trying to impress her by telling her that he had almost 8 GBs of music on his iPod

What’s the most ridiculous thing you heard someone say this week?

Friday Field Notes: Arthritis

Every week I encounter anywhere between 20 and 100+ kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

Grade 3

O: N was sticking out his tongue and calling it a hot dog!

K: I’m sensitive. I’m just so sensitive.

K: My mom is red and juicy like an apple

Grade 1

M: D said that when I was in my mom’s tummy I was a worm, but I wasn’t.

Y (previously described as a real life anime character) had two sticky notes on his desk. I look over during announcements, and he has them stuck to his bangs over his eyes. They swing when he moves his hair.

Y: I can’t see! I can’t see!
The rest of the kids are laughing.
Me: Y, please stop. It’s not funny. (It was totally funny)

Me: What is that movie about?
H: (long, LONG explanation that doesn’t make sense) …and then Ricky’s girlfriend.
Me: RICKY!?!
H: Yeah. His other girlfriend….
Me: Ricky has more than one girlfriend?
H: Just two.

Y: Miss Bast. Miss Base? MRS. FIRST BASE? (Proceeds to mime hitting a ball with a bat and running the bases)

A written conversation that took place in his journal.
Y: I had my birthday party at the YMCA.
Me: What did you do at the YMCA?
Y: Played.
Me: What did you play?
Y: In the gym.
Me: What did you play in the gym?
Y: Games.
Me: What games?
Y: I forget.

Grade 1 (Mennonites…important for context!)

Me: Why is it important to take care of our earth.
H: To give it clean.

Me: Do you compost?
Them: Nooooo.
Me: So what would you do with carrot peelings or apple cores?
Them: Throw it in the manure pile.
Me: So you do compost. Your compost pile is just huge.

Me: What things can’t you compost?
Them: Dairy products.
Me: Right! And something else…
H: Myself!
Me: Well, yes.
A: Cows!
Me: Ok, what if you ate chicken for dinner and there was some left. What would you do with it?
V: Put it in the fridge and eat it for breakfast.
Me: What if it wasn’t good to eat anymore?
D: Feed it to the dog.
Me: What if you didn’t have a dog?
E: Throw it in the manure pile.
Me: NO. You’re not supposed to compost meat. No dairy. No meat.
V: But when the hens die we put them in the manure pile!
Me: ….

H: (big sigh) My glasses are tired!

Grade 4

T: Have you seen the Hunger Games?
Me: Yes!
T: So what team are you?
Me: Excuse me?
T: Gale or Peeta?
Me: Based on just the movie? Gale. DEFINITELY Gale.
Girls: AWWW NOOO. Peeta! We love Peeta!
S (he grins): My mom’s team Gale.
Me: And why is your mom team Gale?
S: She says he’s cute!

Lunch Duty

Girl: Don’t crack your fingers! It will give you arthritis!
Boy: Arthritis?
Girl: Yeah, your fingers will like start to hurt.
Boy: Oh. I thought arthritis was when authors write too much.

Have a lovely weekend!
Team GALE!

Friday Field Notes: Dreidel!

Every week I encounter anywhere between 20 and 100+ kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

I know it’s Monday, but I forgot about these on Friday, okay? Then to post them on Saturday would have been ridiculous because I knew I had a post coming out on Sunday (which was entirely an April Fools joke. Knox McCoy is much too rich and busy to guest post for me. I wrote that nonsense. Actually a bunch of us wrote some nonsense and claimed it was Knox nonsense. But that’s besides the point) so I didn’t bother. Instead, you get Monday Friday Field Notes! Huzzah!

Grade 1/2

Kids are doing art.

Me: Oh! Nice work, B! You’re almost done!
B: I KNOW, so why do you have to tell me?
Me: (speechless)

Grade 1

(Y has quickly become a favourite. He’s like a real-life anime character.)

Me: Boys, shhh, let’s be quiet while we listen to the announcements.
(keep talking)
Me: Boys! Stop talking!
Y: We can’t talk to each other during announcements?
Me: No!
Y: (wide eyes) But can we talk in our heads?
Me: Yes.
Y: Oh. Good.

Kids are working on an assignment. Class is totally silent.

Y: DREIDEL DREDEL DREIDEL! I MADE IT OUT OF CLAY!

Me: Have a look at the picture. Do you see any energy saving things happening?
Y: I have A BAD NEWS.
Me: Oh? What’s that?
Y: YOU CAN SEE HER BUM.

At recess.

G to Mrs. Short Natalie: How come you’re out here? Where is Mrs. M?
Natalie: Mrs. M and I switched spots. I come outside with you now.
G: I really miss Mrs. M.
Natalie: Well that’s nice, I’ll tell her you said that.
G: Do you think I’ll ever get over it?

Grade 3

E: HOLY MOOOOOLEY, you’re SHORT!
Me: Good morning?

Playing Around the World. “A” got a question right. He dances to celebrate. Next girl in line is ready to play. She’s staring at me, waiting for the question. A is still dancing.
Me: Seven times eight!
(Look of panic on girl’s face as she starts skip counting)
(A is still dancing)
Me: Don’t worry, you’ve got plenty of time. A didn’t even hear the question.
(Still dancing, completely oblivious)
(Whole class is giggling. Still oblivious.)
(She answers the question.)
(He is really confused when I tell him to sit down)

Grade 2 (one of my favourite classes. Remember the Obama worksheet? That class)

E fell at recess and has sore fingers. We check them for swelling.
S: Because sometimes when you hit your fingers, they get bubbly.

Writing “colour poems”

T: Yellow is bumble bee, looking as robotic as always!

C: You are my favourite teacher because you are GORGEOUS!
Me: Thank you, but you still have to do your work, Miss C.

S: Operation tooth get out is a failure!

Writing letters about reducing air and water pollution/waste. These were some of their ideas:

– Give the garbage back to whoever littered it.
– If you leave your car running, you should ride a bike.
– Instead of leaving the tap running while you brush your teeth, use mouthwash.

Me: Well leaving a car running isn’t good for the earth. The smoke that comes out of the back of the car isn’t good for the air. That’s pollution.
E: Pollution smells GOOD.

At the end of the day.

Me: Your ticket out the door today is to tell me your favourite word!
C: Pizza!
L: Cool!
E: King Nebuchadnezzar!

Grade 3

S: When I asked to get a drink….uh…earlier, did I ask to get a drink or go to the washroom?
Me: You asked to get a drink.
S: (Face falls) Oh.
Me: Do you have to go to the washroom?
S: YEAH!
Me: Then go!
S: OKAY!

Grade 1

I recognize a kid from a web series that two of my improv friends named Tom made. I ask him if he knows my friends.
K: Yes. I am also in another show on TV.
Me: Cool!
K: Yeah. I’m kind of like Billy Crystal.

 

Overheard:

Educational Assistant: Well C, you can still be happy when you’re a dwarf.
C: No. There is no way. Dwarfism is AWFUL. Can you imagine just being a little kid all your life.
EA: Well no, that’s not how it works. You grow up, you are just tiny.
C: My life would be over if I had Dwarfism.

Have a good week even though it’s only Monday and not Friday.