Hygiene Education 105: Smells Like Good

“OHMAHGOSH you know when you go into a like, elevator or like small place like a closet or something or like sitting beside a guy on a bus but not like a creepy guy, like a cute guy who just is going to school and like, only works part time to pay for school because he’s like, volunteering with kittens and he’s like, pretty ok looking, but then he like smells like, good? That’s pretty much the best ever. Like, I want to ask him what he’s wearing or if that’s just his like, natural smell, because I heard something about being attracted to someone’s like, gramaphones, or hormones, like I think that’s what they’re called. No wait, it’s definitely francophones. If you’re really truly soulmates then you’ll totally love each others francophones even if like, the rest of the universe is disgusted by your francophones. My soulmate has to like my, like, scent. OHMAHGOSH, but not like, right after I come home from hot yoga. No one should, ew! It’s so gross. I can’t even tell you. OHMAHGOSH you wouldn’t even like WANT to like, be my FRIEND if you smelled how bad I smelled after hot yoga. I totally hope my guy doesn’t smell like that after hot yoga. Yeah, he’s going to love hot yoga and like, going to it with me. Because he’s like all sensitive and stuff since he volunteers with kittens. And probably bunnies. Except he won’t smell icky after hot yoga. I want a guy whose francophones smell like, good.”

 

I know, I know. I want to smell like, good, TOO.

 

Hygiene Education 105: Smell Like, Good

This is not complicated.

Steps to smell like, good:

1. Please read and follow through.

2. Apply deodourant. Yes, there is an extra ‘u’ in there. I’m Canadian, deal with it.*

3. Apply perfume or cologne or body mist or something else that smells good (but not leftover bacon grease. That’s only delicious for a short period of time).**

4. Freshen up by repeating these steps.***

*This is necessary because you are not Matthew McConaughey. You have not wooed JLo or Kate Hudson on-screen, therefore you need to make sure your pits don’t stink. It’s a rule. Apply a few coats and reapply throughout the day, if necessary. Note: THIS SHOULD NOT REPLACE A SHOWER.

**One spray. Sometimes two depending on the strength. If you give your roommate (mom) a headache when you apply, then you’re using too much. If your buddy’s eyes sting when he’s talking to you, you’re using too much. If your dog sneezes when you enter the room, you’re using too much. When you walk by someone, your scent should linger only for a moment or two, and pass on by just as quickly as you did. Poetry. I wrote it. There is nothing worse than having someone’s smell linger HOURS after they have left. I am reminded of that one episode of Seinfeld and that one guy I used to drive home in high school. His stink lingered. LINGERED. No lingering, please. No matter if your smell is good or bad. Just stop lingering. Note: THIS SHOULD NOT REPLACE A SHOWER.

***Daily. Sometimes more than that, depending on your stink level. If you notice an unusual number of flies following you home, you should freshen up. If the greasy kid at the drive through asks you what scent you’re wearing, you should probably freshen up. If your pit stains cover a greater surface area of your shirt than the non-pit stains, you should freshen up. And change your shirt.

You’re welcome.

 

Let’s be all snobby and such and answer the following question: what scent do you wear?

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19 thoughts on “Hygiene Education 105: Smells Like Good

  1. My favorite scents I wear right now are Armani Diamonds and also Dolce and Gabbana The One. I’m a cologne addict. I have over 80 different scents.

    And for avoiding pit stains, I use a clinical strength antiperspirant. It keeps my underarms dry in the harshest conditions.

    • wait, EIGHTY?!?! How do you choose which one to wear? Do you have a Lazy Susan-type cupboard that you keep them all in? How can you differentiate between 80 different scents?! This boggles my mind. Please explain this phenomenon. Also explain the storage situation. I’m rather fascinated with the storage arrangements.

      • I have a keen sense of smell (which causes me to be a very picky eater). I’ve always been obsessed with how I smell.

        My storage system isn’t the greatest. I keep my most used colognes on top of my dresser. All the others are kept in a drawer in my desk. I’m always able to find what I want quickly, because I do remember most of the bottle shapes.

        I work in a fulfillment center without air conditioning, so I use work as an opportunity to wear some of my more average scents which I’ve had for a while and Avon products. For different occasions and seasons, I always know what scent to turn to. I have a reasoning behind it all that I could never be able to use words to describe.

  2. Cologne-ially speaking I use either Adidas Moves or Curve. Way back in the day it was Stetson Black.

    Deodourant (I’m not Canadian, but when in Rome’s blog…)-wise it’s either a plain Right Guard anti-perspirant for day to day use or Old Spice Swagger for when I’m feeling fancy and don’t need to smell good for more than a couple hours…yeah, Swagger smells nice, but doesn’t have much staying power for some reason.

      • It does, but quite frankly I tried it out specifically because of the “I’m on a Horse” ad campaign which gave me at least $3 worth of laughter so I thought I’d at least give them that money to try out some of their product and was actually impressed.

        Also, that was one sentence and I’m really impressed with myself for that.

  3. Quoting: “If you’re really truly soulmates then you’ll totally love each others francophones…”

    Did you just work in a clever summary of Canada’s national history in the midst of a hygiene education lesson? Impressive.

  4. Amanda, Je t’adore! See what I did there? :) Also, we really spell deodurant with a “u?” Sincerely did not know this. (Forgive me, people. I’m Canadian, too, but lived in the states for many many years.)

  5. Three things:

    1)WHY is that first paragraph not a video? You need to make that a video immediately. If nothing else, I want a video of you saying “I want a guy whose francophones smell, like, good.” Do it. DO IT.

    2)Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger? I don’t know if I’m happy or mad you put Cranberries lyrics in my head by talking about lingering. I guess that means I’m mappy.

    3)Since you Canadians are so fond of extraneous u’s, why is there no extraneous u in Canadian? It could be Canadiuan, or Canuadian. Or something.

  6. I left my towel from hot yoga in my car for one day. I think it may be a full year before that stank leaves my car. Also, I heard that there’s some scientific reason that people are attracted to others when they are sweating. For reals. Your francophones theory made me remember it.

    You are inside my head. First, the whole “u” thing. Wise move to point it out before all us loud Americans complained about it. Second, I have often thought, “I don’t need to shower. I’ll just spray on some extra smelly stuff.” On another note, have you heard of dry shampoo? It’s this amazing invention that allows me to go days without showering because it’s like I’ve washed my hair without having to waste time actually showering.

    Also, I feel the need to confess for my brothers that they both wear deodourant for women because they say it smells better. Gosh, that “u” just felt so wrong. One of my brothers shares with his wife. You know my hygiene level and even I was grossed out by that. I’ve seen his pits. If I ever were to find a long pit hair on my stick of deodourant, I would probably puke a little.

    • The francophones thing is based on fact. Or theory. Pheromones. Francophones is just like, way better.

      I have heard of dry shampoo but I’m skeptical. My mother said she used it as a teenager. Does it take away the dirty hair smell?

      Once again, you manage to disgust me and make me laugh simultaneously. Pit hair on deodourant. THANKS FOR THE IMAGE.

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