Things You Should Stop Saying

Listen. I’ve got pet peeves. It’s no secret. One of my biggest pet peeves  is when people say the same things over and over and expect them to be funny or clever or original every time. It’s almost as bad as the time in high school my buddy watched the Best of Will Ferrell SNL DVD and quoted it incessantly for months. MONTHS. Goulet.

I’ve created a ranting list of phrases I don’t like. I apologize in advance for the high level of snark you’re about to witness. Because y’all, it’s hiiiigh.

“I’m not gonna lie…”
Oh GOOD. I’m so glad you told me this upfront. Otherwise I would have assumed everything that came out of your mouth was a complete fabrication. Before you say anything else, I request that you tell me whether or not it is truth because I’m too dumb to figure it out for myself. Please and thank you.

Bacon is a food. Yes, it is delicious. Yes, the general population really enjoys bacon. Bacon is even considered to be “the new black”. But it’s not a punchline. Stop using it like one. Bacon is excellent, but it is not funny. It is a breakfast food. Stop pretending it is anything more than that, you ham.

“That [awkward] moment when…”
Teenagers of the world: I get that you think awkward stuff is funny. For the most part, you’re right. But the problem is half of the stuff you’re labelling as “awkward” isn’t. Seeing your crush in the hallway isn’t awkward. Unless you barf on him maybe. Adults of the world: You’re not teenagers. Stop it.

“This is going to be legen….wait for it…”
NO. No no no. I will not wait for it. How dare you make me wait for half of a word that won’t even describe what you’re wanting it to describe! Having one character in the world do this is insufferable already. Every time you leave your house to do something remotely interesting isn’t legendary. The time you and your buddies went to the bar and drank some beers is not going to be written down in history books. Regular social outings are not legendary. Stop it.

Anyone who leaves a comment using a combination of two or more of these phrases in order to intentionally irritate me.

Do you have something to add to the list?


14 thoughts on “Things You Should Stop Saying

  1. All people who make any bacon-related jokes can go straight to time-out and think about what they did.

    I would add “that moment when…” at any point…doesn’t even have to be awkward. just say “this thing happened” instead of “that moment when this thing happens” like it happens to everyone. GUH.

    “-said no one ever”

    I’m sure I could think of more, but I’m failing at the moment.

  2. I like this list…these things do irritate me for sure. Here in the U.S. I would say that EPIC comes up more in my conversations than legendary. Which I find very odd for the same reasons you listed. One thing that I can’t stand during a conversation is when the person you’re talking to tells you a story and then they immediately tell you the same story again, adding no new information. Maybe I’m just not that bright and they think I didn’t get it the first time but this has come up routinely. This usually comes up with my own family who I obviously love very deeply so I don’t have the heart to say what I really feel which is something along the lines of thanks genius I got it the first time you told me which was literally one minute ago. The other thing I can’t stand although I ask it myself is (this mainly pertains to close friends) “so what’s new”, it automatically makes me think of nothing..nothing is new, holy crap what’s wrong with me…I’ve got to find something new..never mind I’ll just talk to you when I do have something new to discuss, so that you can critque my newness. I mean my life is pretty routine when I’m not cognizant of what is new, everything kind of just flows together into life and becomes what it just is normally day to day. Don’t get me wrong, Christ is daily teaching, pulling, stretching, humbling, convicting me of my sin and inviting me to His rivers of mercy, grace and repentance but I’m not sure if you want to know all that entails because it is often the little things like how excited I get over a new movie coming out or TV show, or dinner and I start to wonder when was the last time I was this excited about his mercy on me and his sacrifice instead of my overwhelming joy over the things that I know are only for here. When was the last time I was completely torn up about someone going to hell because they don’t know Jesus and was moved to the point where it actually got me to say something out of love and regard for the other person or labor in prayer for them.

    • Lol, I kind of like the no offense line….kind of like I like the “say anything bad about someone in south and just add bless their hearts at the end” and it’s perfectly acceptable. You can totally just say anything but if you put no offense before you say it, the person has to be okay with it! These aren’t really sayings as much as they are rules.

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