Listen. I’ve got pet peeves. It’s no secret. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say the same things over and over and expect them to be funny or clever or original every time. It’s almost as bad as the time in high school my buddy watched the Best of Will Ferrell SNL DVD and quoted it incessantly for months. MONTHS. Goulet.
I’ve created a ranting list of phrases I don’t like. I apologize in advance for the high level of snark you’re about to witness. Because y’all, it’s hiiiigh.
“I’m not gonna lie…”
Oh GOOD. I’m so glad you told me this upfront. Otherwise I would have assumed everything that came out of your mouth was a complete fabrication. Before you say anything else, I request that you tell me whether or not it is truth because I’m too dumb to figure it out for myself. Please and thank you.
Bacon is a food. Yes, it is delicious. Yes, the general population really enjoys bacon. Bacon is even considered to be “the new black”. But it’s not a punchline. Stop using it like one. Bacon is excellent, but it is not funny. It is a breakfast food. Stop pretending it is anything more than that, you ham.
“That [awkward] moment when…”
Teenagers of the world: I get that you think awkward stuff is funny. For the most part, you’re right. But the problem is half of the stuff you’re labelling as “awkward” isn’t. Seeing your crush in the hallway isn’t awkward. Unless you barf on him maybe. Adults of the world: You’re not teenagers. Stop it.
“This is going to be legen….wait for it…”
NO. No no no. I will not wait for it. How dare you make me wait for half of a word that won’t even describe what you’re wanting it to describe! Having one character in the world do this is insufferable already. Every time you leave your house to do something remotely interesting isn’t legendary. The time you and your buddies went to the bar and drank some beers is not going to be written down in history books. Regular social outings are not legendary. Stop it.
Anyone who leaves a comment using a combination of two or more of these phrases in order to intentionally irritate me.
Do you have something to add to the list?