Craven Came to Canada

Ladies and Gentlemen who are not on the Twitters, I apologize that I never announced who my mystery visitor was before now. You may have already guessed, or possibly you read the title of this post. No, your eyes are not failing you. Joseph Craven did indeed come to Canada. Yes, THE Joseph Craven, my Internet Worst Enemy.

Why exactly did Joseph Craven come to Canada? I’m still trying to answer that question myself and he has come and gone. I don’t know. The whole situation is rather absurd. But what I do know is if you have random Skype sessions like this:

…you should probably hang out in real life. Joseph Craven (who I will always refer to by first and last name. It’s in his contract) flew in to Canada last Tuesday and stayed for a week. We have loads of pictures and videos that I’m sure will make an appearance here or over on the GBOAT at some point in time. But for now, I give you a brief run down of what we did (and how much of our list was checked off).

-Greeted Joseph Craven at the airport with a sign reading “McSlapps”.
-Made Joseph Craven eat a box of Smarties
-Introduced Joseph Craven to the wonders (gag) of Tim Horton’s coffee (ew)
-Ate at Swiss Chalet
-Saw Mennonites at Swiss Chalet
-Short tour of Uptown Waterloo
-Introduced Joseph Craven to my mother
-Ate fries with vinegar and drank Canadian beer at McMullen’s Canadian pub
-Looked at the lights at Waterloo Park
-Saw a dogsled at Waterloo Park
-Threw a snowball at Joseph Craven that left him doubled over in pain (I either have REALLY bad aim or REALLY good aim)
-Drank Wellesley apple cider

Tweet that summed up the day:
“So I kind of just woke up and I’m in a different country now and there’s a tiny person who won’t leave me alone and I’m scared.”

-My brother was in the hospital (Christmas was QUITE the event at the Bast household this year), so we offered to babysit my niece and nephew. Well, I offered to babysit and told Joseph Craven that we were going to babysit. WELCOME TO CANADA.
-Joseph Craven wore a tiara
-Went five pin bowling with a group of my friends

Tweets that summed up the day:
“I liked you better when you were sleep deprived and didn’t talk so much. -@mandiemariebee”
“Tonight @thejosephcraven took his pants off at the bowling alley. #IWishIWasMakingThisUp

-Toured the St. Jacob’s Farmer’s Market (saw lots of Mennonites)
-Stumbled upon a Maple Syrup Museum in St. Jacob’s (honestly, I had no idea it existed)
-Went to a Mennonite information Museum thing (a highlight of the week for both of us…it was really interesting to learn about MY PEOPLE)
-Ate lunch at a restaurant and were served by a Mennonite
-Went to a Mennonite general store
-Watched The Help and learned about Joseph Craven’s PEOPLE

Tweets that summed up the day:
“I gave @stantonmartin +K about Vancouver & District Inter-high School Football League Senior Championships (sports)  on @klout”
“I added Eat Poop You Cat (game) to @KnoxMcCoy’s topics on @klout”

-Went to Guelph to show Joseph Craven around the town I went to school in
-Discovered that my favourite Mexican restaurant was no longer in business
-I don’t remember the rest of the afternoon because I was too miserable about the Mexican restaurant. I’m completely serious. It was a low point for me. I didn’t know what to do with myself. It’s a good thing I’m going to Mexico next month.
-Went to a Kitchener Ranger’s hockey game

Tweet that summed up the day:
“Random guy at the game high fived @thejosephcraven. Because stuff like that always happens in Canada.”

-Drove ten minutes off the highway to BALLS FALLS. We took pictures of the sign, then drove to Niagara Falls.
-Looked at Niagara Falls
-Went to Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum. We chose not to believe any of it.
Here is where things started getting completely absurd.
-Were on Entertainment Tonight Canada’s New Years Eve show (we can only assume…there were cameras all up in our grill)
-Heard the Sheepdogs perform live (they were great)
-Started chanting “Rick the Temp! Rick the Temp!” (Joseph Craven still doesn’t know why he was chanting this)
-Heard Our Lady Peace perform live
-Scream-sang along with Our Lady Peace and pretended we were back in high school
-Heard Simple Plan perform live
-Wished our last moments of 2011 weren’t spent listening to Simple Plan. “Shut up shut up shut up”.
-Happy New Year!
-Walked back to the car, found ourselves almost in the middle of some weird gang fight
-Saw a guy get kicked in the face
-Scream-sang to Weezer’s blue album on the 4 hour (ugh traffic) drive home in attempt to make me forget about seeing a guy get kicked in the face

Tweets that summed up the day:
“New Years Eve at Niagara Falls. NO BIG DEAL.”

-Went to church to meet some more of my PEOPLE
-Watched Arrested Development for the rest of the day
-Sang The Growing Pains theme song several times

Tweets that summed up the day:
“Best phrase ever? ‘I have a Kirk Cameron story for you.’ ”

-Drove to Yorkdale mall and took the subway to Toronto
-Went up the CN Tower
-Almost died at the very top of the CN Tower
-Walked to get some really wonderful food
-Took the subway back to Yorkdale

Tweets that summed up the day:
“At the top of the CN Tower, when the PA announces “the noise you heard is being investigated.” #NiceKnowingYou #JustKiddingWereFine”

-Endured minus 15 degree weather (that’s about 5 degrees Fahrenheit)
-Had coffee at my favourite cafe
-Ate at a Southern BBQ joint that was approved by the Southerner
-Said goodbye

Tweets that summed up the day:
“If i had a fork in my car I would eat the crap out of that pulled pork.”


It was a busy week. It was a very fun week. We checked off most items on our list except for the rap song (it will still happen though) and Apple Butter (we totally forgot until today). I got to play tour guide (which I’ve discovered I really enjoy). I got to do and see a lot of things I’ve never done or seen before. The whole situation was really rather absurd. When you spend 12+ hours of the day for 7 days with the same person, you get to know them really well. It’s hard to fully explain a week like this one, and this is the best way I know how:

When Joseph Craven eats over-easy eggs, he always cuts open the side, and pushes all of the yoke out of the center, causing it to spill on the plate, so he can then mop up the yoke with his toast.


37 thoughts on “Craven Came to Canada

  1. There are a lot of things mentioned in this post that I should probably explain, such as why I dropped trou in a bowling alley. But the only thing I’ll say is this:

    She hit me in the nuts with a snowball, guys. And the snowball didn’t break. She hit me in the nuts.

          • I think you’re right: lacrosse might actually be nastier. You lose the deadly sharp objects on the feet and the walls to smash into, but you gain the benefit of much less padding. You also gain the benefit of having players actually possess the ball, which allows other players the joy of hitting said player without being penalized as long as it looks like they were trying to knock the ball out of his stick.

            In light of all that, I feel confident in saying the official sound of lacrosse is the sound of a metal stick hitting flesh. HARD. It’s a disturbingly fascinating sound, and it lies somewhere in the middle of the THWACK, THWUMP, and THUD range.

  2. Wait. That cat poop thing actually happened? I thought it was some dream I had fueled by painkillers.

    And – HOLD UP YOU GUYS – there’s a Balls Falls?

    Also, do we ever get to hear the Kirk Cameron story?

  3. ultimately, the moral of the story is this: Mississippians visiting Canada fuels crazy amounts of blog comments.

    I take my eggs with cream, mozzarella cheese, fresh basil, salt and pepper. If that means I’m high maintenance and sort of snob, then you’re right, you can tell a lot about people from how they take their eggs.

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