A Stupid Dog

On my ninth birthday, I got a dog. A tiny black and white miniature Schnauzer that I named Zoe. It was a total surprise and I was woken up by my parents late at night to be given a dog. Hence my pajamas in this picture:

I can’t say that Zoe was the best dog in the world, because that title belongs to our other dog at the time, Tasha (also pictured). Tasha was a smart, gorgeous Goldren Retriever who never did anything wrong. She was well behaved, friendly, great with kids and protective of us, but only when necessary. Zoe was none of those things. 

She was the runt of the litter (much like myself), yappy and stubborn. She hated kids and strangers. You know that whole “put a towel over your dog’s head and the quicker they get it off their head, the smarter they are” trick? If you put a blanket over Zoe’s head, she wouldn’t move. She would literally sit for as long as it took until someone took the blanket off for her. She was dumb.

But she was mine, and I loved her dearly.

She would pose for pictures.

She started that whole “Owling” trend.

She was chill.

She let me put weird stuff on her head

…on more than one occasion.

She also didn’t mind being dressed up in baby clothes.

She was simultaneously Tasha’s best friend and arch nemesis.

She was MY best friend. And I loved her.

So much so, I had her emblazoned on my Christmas stocking.

Every year when we pull out the stockings, I am reminded of my dumb little friend who was a part of my life for ten years. It takes me back to my childhood, when things were simpler and my only care in the world was whether or not Zoe was in the mood to let me put her in my doll cradle. Those were good years. She was around for ten years, and after she was gone, I was thankful that little ten year old me loved her enough to have her on my stocking.

Now I’m rather mad at ten year old me for making this decision. You see, dear Internets, after the death of both Tasha and Zoe, came an animal quite unfortunate.


This dog is an entirely different story. She has Tasha’s intelligence, but Zoe’s dumb determination to bark and anything and everything. While Zoe spent time biting and jumping all over Tasha, Sassie spends time peeing in my room and eating the contact information off of business cards. Sassie lives up to her name, and I’m really not a fan of this creature. I’ve written about such things before, if you are inclined to read up on my hatred for this animal.

So now, every Christmas when I pull out my Zoe stocking, I am no longer fond of it. It no longer reminds me of a sweet, daft dog, but of the little black devil that now inhabits our house. I now have a tiny douchebag on my stocking.

Thanks for ruining everything, little me.

Did you have an awesome animal growing up? What about one that you hate with a passion?

P.S. I will not be entertaining any questions about my blue sweatpants or my boy haircut. I WILL however, point out that my Dad is reading the TV guide.


14 thoughts on “A Stupid Dog

  1. Do you still like to wear your sweatpants waist-high? Since this question is not specifically about your BLUE sweatpants I think I deserve an answer.

  2. Oh gee, Amanda, thanks for reminding me that THIS IS THE FIRST CHRISTMAS IN SIXTEEN YEARS THAT MY DOG WON’T BE AROUND. I really appreciate that. I had almost blocked that thought out for some reason, so it’s always good to be reminded.

  3. My fiance (at the time) and I were given a little Shitzu puppy that we named Mr. Tumnus. He ended up being the most calm, cool, and collected dog ever. He sniffed my chinese food once, I elbowed him out of the way and he never tried to eat my food ever again. He would hop up on the couch and cuddle with me when I was very sad. He was the best dog I ever had.

  4. All my dogs have been awesome as well as stupid. I had one that wondered into the woods once, I was afraid she would get lost so I went after her. She then ran home really fast leaving me lost in the woods for days. Best dog ever! I think she was protesting the baby clothes.

  5. Hi Mandie!
    I just found your blog, only to quickly discover that you are some kind of maniacal Canadian plagiarist.
    I mean, I wrote a post on my blog waaaaaay back on November 11 called “Stupid dog”. Clearly, I’m the first person in the world to write on this topic, and the controversy will likely cause diplomatic turmoil between our two, formerly friendly nations.
    OK, for real, I loved your post. Because my wife and I have taken in a lot of strays over the years, we’ve had some stupid dogs. Really. Stupid. Dogs. Some of them turn out to be great, at least in retrospect.
    One GREAT stupid dog (the one in my “first to have the stupid dog story” post), Westley, taught me a little about myself. He also taught me how to electrify a fence so that he would stop jumping over it. He did not teach me how to keep from zapping myself with said electric fence. Stupid dog.
    Love your blog, looking forward to reading more.

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