Last time in our great endeavour into the world of hygiene, I discussed showering. Once a day. With soap. I think I made it pretty clear that this is important. It’s the basic first step. Washing your body with soap. Every day*. If you still don’t get that, then you’re kind of an idiot and I don’t know how much I can help you from here on out.
So we’ve got our shower talk out of the way. And now, we jump into controversy. I know. Washing. Such a hot topic right now. So hot the ladies on The View can’t even handle it. To make it easy on you, I’ve got categories. And lists. Because you all know Amanda loves a good list as much as she loves writing in third person. I now present you with…
Hygiene Education 103: More Stuff to Wash
When you have a shower once a day I assume that you would wash your hair. But since I still can smell that dirty hair smell and I see flies circling your head, I am clearly assuming wrong. Someone once told me that it’s not healthy for your hair to wash it every day because it strips it of its natural oils. That person is lazy. And smells like hair. Guess what? Your hair is dead. It is made up of nucleusless keratinized proteins. The reason it looks dead is because you dye the crap out of it and load it with chemicals. Please start using a good conditioner. If your head smells like horse butt then you need to do something about it.
If you have short hair, wash it every day. If you have greasy hair, wash it every day. If your hair smells like dirty hair at the end of the day, wash it every day. If you have bangs and forehead acne, wash it every day. If you have long hair, you can wash it every other day. Ponytails are great things. If you have super dry non greasy magic hair, you can maybe even stretch it another day. General rule of thumb: if you are woken up by your own stench and look like someone dumped a vat of used fryer oil on your head while you were catching some zees, then you should probably wash your hair.
Once in the morning. Once before bed. Especially if you have been wearing make up. Do NOT sleep in make up. You’re asking for clogged pores and acne. Maybe this is an appearance thing in your mind, but I still consider it a hygiene thing. Don’t go to bed with a greasy face. Wash off the grit from the day and moisturize. I once saw an Oprah-like TV show about a woman who put on a layer of make up on before she went to bed so if there was an emergency in the middle of the night, she would be ready. That’s not hygienic. That’s just crazy. Wash your face, or you’ll end up looking like Mimi from the Drew Carey show. Maybe even Drew himself. This is a serious issue. If you are one of those people with perfectly clear skin who never washes your face, please leave. Your exits are red and located in the top right (or left, if you’re a Mac user) corner of your screen. We wash our faces around these parts. Treat your face well.
I really like this one. This is a good one. You should wash your hands. Often. Always before you eat. Always after using the washroom. Always after blowing your nose. Always after picking your nose. Always before preparing food. Always after dealing with raw meat. Always after pumping gas. Always before holding a newborn.
Think about it. You use your hands for everything. They go everywhere and they touch lots of gross germy things. I’m not being OCD here, I’m being hygienic. It’s proven that it’s the easiest way to stop the spread of germs and diseases. It’s proven that the handle in a bathroom is dirtier than the toilet seat. Hands are exposed to the world at all times. Bums are not. Don’t try and tell me that you don’t need to wash your hands after using the facilities because nothing broke through the toilet paper. Maybe you are magic. But wait! Did you touch anything else in that washroom? You just touched something that someone who did break through the paper touched. You just touched something with PEE (or worse) on it. I’m sorry to be graphic, but you need to wash your hands. You can take lessons from my mother about how to exit a public washroom without touching a single surface. She’s a pro. Iaspire to be like her one day. WASH YOUR HANDS.
This concludes today’s lecture. Stay tuned for more things you need to wash in order to be hygienic. This is a revolution, people. It’s coming at you fast, with no apologies. I’m changing this world, one germy person at a time.
Let’s hear from you. Do you agree with me? Did I miss anything?
*I do realize there are exceptions (camping, hiking, missionarying, post giving birth or major surgery, deathly sick etc) but I’m talking general guidelines, not exceptions.