Weird Crap That Freaks Amanda Out: Volume 6

You know that one movie where MacCaulay Culkin spills some milk and eats some pizza and his uncle calls him a jerk and he has to go sleep with the kid who wets the bed and he has an ugly brother who has an ugly girlfriend as well as a tarantula and then he doesn’t get to go on vacation and he steals a toothbrush and gets chased by a guy in an apron and then there is something with a guy and a shovel and other guys who step on ornaments and are afraid of voices they hear from a Talk Boy? You know the one.

I love that one. I quote it often, you little jerk. No, that’s not what freaks me out. Stop being such a disease. What freaks me out are moments that mirror events in the movie.

I had one today. I came home and no one was here. There was no note, no cars in the garage and no trace of any life other than the dog (but I don’t think she counts). This isn’t freaky. This happens often. After a few hours of nothingness, I was beginning to think I had forgotten about a mandatory family event. I sent a text. No response. I sent another text to another family member. No response. I sent a text to someone who isn’t even in the same city as me. No response.

After three unanswered texts, I had a straight up, no denying it, completely irrational but still pretty funny HOME ALONE MOMENT. In the midst of these moments, all I can think (over and over and sometimes out loud) is “I made my family disappear.” My brain usually comes up with a ridiculously awful scenario in which all of my family members and loved ones truly disappear.

When I was younger, I used to think it was the Rapture and I’d go searching for contact lenses and dental fillings (curse you, Kirk Cameron!). Now I realize the ridiculousness of this behaviour.

Instead as a fully mature adult (?), I pace around my house and plan where I will set booby traps.

Yeah.

Fortunately, before I got too deep into my planning, I received a text that was straight out of Anne of Green Gables (except if she could text. I mean I’m sure she would be capable if given the technology. But it would have been far less effective to break a BlackBerry over Gilbert Blythe’s head. And more expensive. I wish people still used the term bosom buddies) thus making me realize people still existed.

My loved ones didn’t disappear. But HOME ALONE MOMENTS still freak me out.

Two questions for you, my dear blog readers:

1. Who else went (uh, goes?) searching for empty clothes when they can’t find their families?

2. What is the sweetest booby trap you can think of?

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8 thoughts on “Weird Crap That Freaks Amanda Out: Volume 6

  1. When I can find my Mom I assume it’s because her drug dealer Trac fone is off or dead. When I can’t find my Dad, I assume its because he’s on his dial-up Internet waiting for the YouTube video of the german shepherd to stop buffering.

  2. Hmmm… 21st century Anne of Green Gables… breaking a PlayBook over Gilbert Blythe’s head. That would certainly be more expensive, especially on the cranial repair side.

    Glad to know there are more Anne of Green Gables fans out there.

  3. My four year old nephew repeatedly says, “Keep the change, ya filthy animal.” That movie is a treasure-trove of quotable quotes.

    I used to have a massive crush on Gilbert Blythe. I haven’t heard anyone reference him in years- so thanks for that.

    When I can’t find my family, I usually assume they’ve all died. I’ve cried on more than one occasion.

    I’ve never pondered how to make a booby trap but I would love for there to be one that would give the victim repeated paper cuts and jammed fingers.

  4. well I thought this time Amanda, that is some weird crap you got going on. then last night I had to get up to close a window because the rain was coming in and I noticed my husband was not in bed. So I went downstairs to look for him. All the lights were on and he wasn’t anywhere, I even looked outside in the rain. Gone.

    Sent a text and and it beeped right beside me. He didn’t have his phone. He sleeps with his phone. OK getting freaked out.

    Then he shows up at home. There was an emergency at work and he didn’t want to wake me up to tell me he was going out.

    Now your weird stuff isn’t so weird any more.

    and on another note when my brothers and I were younger we decided to make a booby trap in the wood. Dug a hole and covered it with sticks and leaves then tricked the annoying kid down the road to step on it.

    Might have worked pretty well if we hadn’t got tired of digging when the hole was about 16 inches deep …

  5. My family is scattered all over the midwest so I wouldn’t know if they were missing or not; plus, at least as far as my mom goes, her and her husband don’t have voicemail or an answering machine so I almost never get them on the phone anyway.

    Also, I know the ladies love Gilbert Blythe (LL Gil B?), but I had a massive crush on Megan Follows after watching Anne of Green Gables in English class in middle school. She’s quite possibly the reason that I still to this day really dig redheads. :oD

  6. Oh and sweetest booby trap? Probably Franz’s tiger pit in “The Swiss Family Robinson” movie. Good luck setting that up at your house though.

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