What I Won’t Name My Kids

My life is exploding with babies.

Babies a-plenty are bursting forth from uteruses all around me. As a result, I find myself talking about breastfeeding and swollen ankles and sleepless nights and stitches where stitches shouldn’t be and afterbirth and home birth and loss of bladder control and cracked nipples much more than I would like to. Whoever said pregnancy and childbirth was a beautiful, natural, and calming experience that puts you in touch with your womanhood was probably a dude who had never come in contact with a knocked up broad and if he had, the likelihood of him getting throttled by a hormonal female due to his insensitivity was very high. So high in fact, he is likely no longer in relationship with a woman. Or living.

Pregnant ladies in my life (and those who have recently given birth to some truly gorgeous babies), I love you. I am so excited to meet your little ones and to be the best Aunt Tootie I can be. I am so proud of you and I respect what your body is going through but let’s just say Amanda’s uterus isn’t aching to be filled any time soon. I’m not even remotely jealous.

In the midst of all of the baby talk, I realize that I have a problem on my hands: it’s going to be next to impossible to name my own children.

I encounter at least 100 different children in the span of a week. Because of this many names have been tainted. Really very tainted. There are certain things I will not name my kid. There are certain things I cannot name my kid for fear I will always associate my child with another. If this is your kid’s name (or your name), I apologize. You or your kid is likely the exception to the rule. Here is a list of things I will not name my kid:

1. Bianca. I don’t want to explain this one. Let’s move on.

2. Chase. Just think about it. No chasing here.

3. Any other verb-like or job description-like name. Hunter, Parker, and Taylor all fit in this category.

4. A noun: Apple, Stone, River, Orange, Willow, Bill, etc.

5. Kieran. I have yet to meet a Kieran that isn’t completely insane.

6. A name of a girl who sounds like she should be in Mean Girls: Vanessa, Whitney, Tiffany. Bianca fits here, too.

7. Old man/old lady names: Walter, Gladys, Lorna (sorry grandpa and grandmas, but I’m not using your names), Edith, Eleanor, Harold, Alastair, Eunice, Phyllis. Babies should not have to “grow into” their names.

8. Anything overly Biblical (ie the Bible is the only place you would find this name). Malachi, Moses, Habukkuk, Dorcas.

9. Anything that implies a different ethnicity other than what I am (very, very white): Fernando, Jamal, Jorge, Carlos, Svetlana.

10. Any name that can be turned into a song: Jude, Roxanne, Caroline, Delta Dawn, Clementine.

11. Any name that implies a future uh….profession: Candi, Roxanne, Trixi. These usually have a heart over the i.

12. Anything that has ever been used as a family pet name: Natasha, Zoe, Ella, Lola, Abby, Sport, Champ, Tiny, Mookie, Cindy*, Jesse, Sassie.

 

Good luck, future me.

 

* Cindy was a wiener dog with a skin disease who used to rub her bum against the porch stoop.

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16 thoughts on “What I Won’t Name My Kids

  1. do you know how hard ti was for Colin and I to pick a name. every one that he suggested was followed with a “no way remember that kid from that daycare…..”

    I never met a damien that wasn’t insane or a Jordan that didn’t bite, hit or curse.

    There are a lot of names that are ruined for me forever too.
    Finally he suggested Jared. I had no issues. We happily decided on that name. Good thing he was a boy, we never did get girl name I could accept.

    Then the subway commercials came out with Jared and boom we were screwed. Had to change it to Jarett so I wouldn’t think of fat guys eating subs every time I called him.

    So i can totally relate.

  2. Someday when little Dorcas and Svetlana grow up, you’ll have some esplaining to do about this post.

    I have strong opinions on this subject. Ask me when we hang out! In the meantime I am going to keep them to myself to avoid being targeted for annihilation by any unfortunately-named people among your readers.

  3. On second thought, I think I can just go ahead and admit that all my kids will be named Melchizidek and identified in chronological order using Roman numerals.

  4. PS one of the most beautiful little girls I know is named Edith. I know it sounds like an old lady name to you, but when I hear her name spoken I don’t think of an old lady. It’s not even a struggle. I just think of beautiful little Edith. Eventually ‘old lady’ names will be the new young lady names! You’ll see!

  5. Afterbirth. Had to look that one up.

    Perhaps a subquestion on the baby-names issue is: how many names do you plan to give your kids? That way, they can pick the one they like best, plus you can slip your personal favourite into the mix. Like Melchizedek.

    You might not want to give your kids names that start with ‘O’ either. If they go to a French school, they are at risk of having their names modified with a “D'” prefix.

  6. Ok Amanda, your family officially has name issues. Out of the blue, your brother asked me if I would have a problem dating someone with an “old” name. He swears he did not read this blog.

    • Which brother, and probably. The topic of baby names comes up every time we’re all together (what with all the babies). And I love that you’re reading this, Shawn. Picture me reading the posts in an accent and it will be like I’m there with you…haha creepy.

  7. You are too funny – I love reading these things. He’s the same brother who owns 8 BBQ’s, plays with hockey dolls, and needs serious help with weed control. LOL.

  8. Love it. (I have always wanted to know a Justin Case or a Justin Time.)

    I think it would be neat to have a kid with a unique name spelled in a way that is easy to read/pronounce or a normal name spelled in a unique way. Also, monosyllabic names are weird. and hard to yell. (and usually get nicknames with a y at the end!)

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