My life is exploding with babies.
Babies a-plenty are bursting forth from uteruses all around me. As a result, I find myself talking about breastfeeding and swollen ankles and sleepless nights and stitches where stitches shouldn’t be and afterbirth and home birth and loss of bladder control and cracked nipples much more than I would like to. Whoever said pregnancy and childbirth was a beautiful, natural, and calming experience that puts you in touch with your womanhood was probably a dude who had never come in contact with a knocked up broad and if he had, the likelihood of him getting throttled by a hormonal female due to his insensitivity was very high. So high in fact, he is likely no longer in relationship with a woman. Or living.
Pregnant ladies in my life (and those who have recently given birth to some truly gorgeous babies), I love you. I am so excited to meet your little ones and to be the best Aunt Tootie I can be. I am so proud of you and I respect what your body is going through but let’s just say Amanda’s uterus isn’t aching to be filled any time soon. I’m not even remotely jealous.
In the midst of all of the baby talk, I realize that I have a problem on my hands: it’s going to be next to impossible to name my own children.
I encounter at least 100 different children in the span of a week. Because of this many names have been tainted. Really very tainted. There are certain things I will not name my kid. There are certain things I cannot name my kid for fear I will always associate my child with another. If this is your kid’s name (or your name), I apologize. You or your kid is likely the exception to the rule. Here is a list of things I will not name my kid:
1. Bianca. I don’t want to explain this one. Let’s move on.
2. Chase. Just think about it. No chasing here.
3. Any other verb-like or job description-like name. Hunter, Parker, and Taylor all fit in this category.
4. A noun: Apple, Stone, River, Orange, Willow, Bill, etc.
5. Kieran. I have yet to meet a Kieran that isn’t completely insane.
6. A name of a girl who sounds like she should be in Mean Girls: Vanessa, Whitney, Tiffany. Bianca fits here, too.
7. Old man/old lady names: Walter, Gladys, Lorna (sorry grandpa and grandmas, but I’m not using your names), Edith, Eleanor, Harold, Alastair, Eunice, Phyllis. Babies should not have to “grow into” their names.
8. Anything overly Biblical (ie the Bible is the only place you would find this name). Malachi, Moses, Habukkuk, Dorcas.
9. Anything that implies a different ethnicity other than what I am (very, very white): Fernando, Jamal, Jorge, Carlos, Svetlana.
10. Any name that can be turned into a song: Jude, Roxanne, Caroline, Delta Dawn, Clementine.
11. Any name that implies a future uh….profession: Candi, Roxanne, Trixi. These usually have a heart over the i.
12. Anything that has ever been used as a family pet name: Natasha, Zoe, Ella, Lola, Abby, Sport, Champ, Tiny, Mookie, Cindy*, Jesse, Sassie.
Good luck, future me.
* Cindy was a wiener dog with a skin disease who used to rub her bum against the porch stoop.