Facial Hair 105

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! I know you’ve all been waiting for this (“yes, waiting for her to finish this dang series of posts!”) so I shall not make you wait any longer. Coming at you right now…

Facial Hair 105: BEARDS

Beards. The grand poobah of all facial hair. The facial hair that separates the men from the boys. The facial hair that just screams, “I am heavily laden with testosterone!” Every man wishes they could grow a beard. They’re so…manly. But before you get excited and start growing a beard all willy-nilly, let’s throw down a few guidelines.

1. A good beard is well groomed. Not too long. Not too bushy. You can be bearded and sophisticated. Beards can have the potential to leave a man looking like John the Baptist*. Just because you grow a beard, does not give you permission to stop bathing, grooming and start eating locusts. Trim that bad boy. Keep it tidy.

2. A good beard has boundaries. It should not creep up to your eyeballs. You do need to show a little cheek (scandalous!). It should also NEVER (and this is a big disgusting never) end up on your neck. Neck beards are nasty. They are NEVER acceptable. Ever.

3. A good beard is full. If you have giant patches in the middle of your cheeks, a beard is not a good choice. Also, if your facial hair has the texture of cotton candy (this is directed towards some of my young teen friends), please shave. Wait until your facial hair is more mature.

There you go. Three easy guidelines.

Now we can move on to discuss different styles of beards and what they say about you. Ready?

1. The Northern Boy Beard.
This beard belongs on a guy who grew up where it is very cold. A beard is not just for style, but also for face warmth. This type of beard goes well with plaid and hunting gear. This type of beard can be seen on my friend Derek.

2. The Rock and Roll Beard.
Gruff and manly, this type of beard is reserved for intense musicians only. Usually accompanied by long rocker hair. This type of beard (and hair) can be seen on my friend Luke. Also, ZZ Tops, but that man breaks all of my guidelines, so there will be no picture posting, thank you!

3. The Indie Beard.
These beards are on faces of guys who listen to bands that you’ve never heard of. Guys with Indie beards live an alternative lifestyle full of skinny jeans and cardigans. These people are the Golden Dogs. Haven’t heard of them? That’s because they’re indie (and consequently one of my favourite bands of all time). And oh look! Beards!

4. The Dad Beard.
Look at your Dad. Does he have a beard? That’s a Dad beard.

5. The Playoff Beard.
These beards are never shaved during the playoffs. Pretty self explanatory? Yes, I think so. Typically seen on hockey players.

6. The Talk Show Host Beard.
Conan: Yes! David: No.

7. The Every Day Beard.
For those beards that don’t necessarily fit into a category, but are still awesome.

Now your facial hair questions have been answered. You’re welcome.

Did I miss anything?

*Bible reference, FTW!


5 thoughts on “Facial Hair 105

  1. >I would just like to say that this series of posts on beards has been a heartbreaking work of staggering genius. You're guru of facial hair, the likes of which this world may never see again.Can we please be friends?

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